The sickness never ends...

I haven't been posting... I don't have much excuse. I've been pretty much bed ridden with pain and afraid to take my painkillers. The reason being, I see a pain medicine doctor this Friday who might drug test me. I'm going to tell him I WAS on pain medicine that I got from an ER visit but I recently ran out. I haven't run out yet but I desperately need a steady source of adequate pain relief. I'm not trying to trick the doctor into feeding some sort of drug habit or anything I just don't want to be hesitant to take my pain medicine when I'm in pain for fear I'll run out. I don't even know if he'll prescribe me narcotics but so far they have been the only thing that gives me relief. I'm so terribly nervous. I just don't want to have to wait in pain while they figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I drove 2 hours to see a specialist yesterday and I'm gonna have to drive back sometime during the first week of April for all sorts of testing. I'm praying praying praying that the tests give the doctors the answers they need to solve this. God, I am so close to ending it. I'm just too tired and run down to battle it any more. I've been in pain for a fucking year and a half and not once have I had adequate pain control. Maybe I should check myself into the hospital next time my pain is bad... I just don't know anymore. All my mental and physical reserves have been completely used up.

A stifled hurrah

I would be celebrating right now if my head didn't feel like it was splitting in two. I managed to burn off an estimated 350 calories on a 40 minute bike ride this morning. I would have gone longer but I had to get back home to get ready for my therapy appointment. While I'm on the topic of therapy I want to mention that my therapist keeps commenting on how thin I look and told me straight out that she is watching me o.o It isn't like I've lost any weight in the week in between our appointment. Actually, I would bet good money that I gained a pound or two from the horrible period of gluttony I suffered from ALL last week.

UPDATE: I had to stop writing because my boyfriend needed me and I ended up weighing myself even though I said I wouldn't... I'm too embarrassed to even admit the number. I just looked back on my calorie logs and there is no way on Earth I could have gained that much weight considering I only had two binge days. The number might be high because I didn't take my weight first thing in the morning like I normally do. Ugh I'm going to try not to focus on it and stick to being positive about how well I have done the past two days. Here was my list from yesterday:

1. do at least 30 mins of cardio (preferably 1+ hours) Check: 40 minute bike ride 

2. fix a healthy breakfast (no protein bars) Check: Apple for breakfast

3. no binging Check!

4. stay under 1000 calories Check: 480 calories so far and although I am going out to dinner I plan to keep it light.

5. do not step on the scale Fail: I'll try and be better about this tomorrow ): 

6. eat at least 80 grams of protein during the day Possible check: I've eaten approximately 50 grams of protein so far and if I order lean protein for dinner I should be able to make it to 80

7. be mindful of filler calories Check: So far I've only eaten nutritious foods 

8. stay hydrated Check: Drank lots of water and a diet snapple

9. take a multivitamin Check

10. take my medicines on time Check 

All in all it looks like I'm doing good. It is a huge improvement compared to how I started out this week. Now, the hard part will be keeping it up. 

Adderall and intake

I haven't been doing so hot and I am honestly too embarrassed to admit just how bad it has been. But I'm not posting to make myself feel guilty. I'm posting to keep myself positive and get back on track. I am making a promise to myself and anyone else who might be reading this that I will exercise tomorrow and get myself into a more regular exercising routine. I'm happy to announce that I now have a script for Adderall XR and I'm hoping it will help me in my weight loss efforts. It is known to decrease appetite and it will hopefully help keep me from binging. I'm feeling really tired so I'm gonna make a quick list of 'rules for success' that I'm going to stick to in order to make tomorrow a good day. 

1. do at least 30 mins of cardio (preferably 1+ hours)

2. fix a healthy breakfast (no protein bars)

3. no binging 

4. stay under 1000 calories 

5. do not step on the scale 

6. eat at least 80 grams of protein during the day

7. be mindful of filler calories 

8. stay hydrated

9. take a multivitamin 

10. take my medicines on time

That is all I can think of for now. I'm excited to make tomorrow successful and check off all the things on that list. Good night and good luck. 

22 Days left: Countdown to the end of the world

So I know it seems like I'm posting twice in one day but in reality I wrote today's earlier post last night. I didn't put it up till this morning because my boyfriend interrupted me. So here is the real Wednesday post:

There are 22 days left until my family goes on vacation... to the beach! I am not not not looking forward to it. I knew the date we were scheduled to leave awhile ago but it only just today registered with me that I only have 3 more weeks until I'll have to wear a bathing suit in public. I'm so scared. I love the beach but I hate bikinis and I seriously don't have enough time to get my body ready. If I lose 2 pounds a week for the next three weeks I will be 104 lbs by doomsday but it isn't just about how much I'll weigh. I'm more concerned with the fact I won't be able to build muscle or tone up by then. I feel like a sack of fat now (at 110 lbs) so what is going to keep me from feeling like a sack of fat when I'm down 6 pounds if I don't build any muscle. Why can't the trip be in June? Why do my thighs have to be so monstrously large? Why do I feel like my body looks the same at 110 as it did at my highest weight? Why do bikinis never flatter my figure? Why do I have to be going on the trip with two really athletic slim girls? I am having major anxiety over this. I didn't work out yesterday because of how sore I was from Monday's weightlifting and I don't think I'll be able to work out today because I can barely walk. Normally I would try and get some cardio in anyways but I have really hurt myself in the past from over training and I'm trying to avoid that. So I basically have barely worked out at all this week and I'm stressing over a frighteningly close bikini deadline. Anyone have any ideas on how I can ease my mind about the bathing suit situation? I seriously need to stop stressing. Acting like this is going to lead to a binge. I'm going to say goodbye for now and go try and think positive thoughts. I will be okay. Bikinis aren't the end of the world. I will find a bikini that makes me look thin. I will continue to lose weight until we leave. I will stick to my diet. I will be able to exercise tomorrow. I will have fun at the beach. I will not lose my mind.

Can happiness last?

So I was having a pretty god awful day today. I've mentioned before that I've been very sick... well today was one of my brain and body just crashed through the floor. The illness I'm referring to has nothing to do with my eating habits so don't worry. I was basically just out of it and in pain all day long. You could have pushed me over with a stick. I'm still feel horrid right now but I do have a bit of good news. My belly looks so much flatter. I guess some of it has to do with the fact that my before pic was taken in the middle of a binge cycle (the morning after a binge). But I am just so glad to see some noticeable results. All the hideous bloaty puffiness is gone and for once I am a bit proud of my midsection. I am so proud of myself for being more active, eating reasonably, avoiding binging, and most of all losing weight! It is a hard battle but I feel myself getting back into the groove of things. (I was losing weight until Christmas and then I plateaued and eventually went on a binge fest). I have been battling with myself about my goal weight. If I get down to 100 pounds I think my family will freak. I do have my illness to blame but I was stupid in mentioning the fact I wanted to lose a couple pounds (my brother and sister overheard). If that knowledge ever becomes an issue I'll just tell my mom that I gained a couple pounds over the holiday and wanted to sweat it off (which is actually true... just not the whole truth). I eat way too much to currently be anorexic so that is a plus in terms of family issues. I'm toying with the idea of getting down to 105 as fast as I can and then going for slower weight loss so it seems less suspicious. Okay, that is stupid... my weight loss is going to be slow enough as it is. I think I'm going to do what feels right and continue to work out and restrict until I have a body I'm not ashamed of. I'm sure a lot of people in the world would want my stats: 5' 3" 110 lbs 24 inch waist 17% body fat 34" bust 35" hips (so kinda an hourglassish figure). It just doesn't look good on me. I still look fat because I have a baby face and even though my body fat percentage is 'athletic' or 'lean' I still feel like I have more squishiness than I would like. My ideal body fat is 14% or under and a bmi under 18.6 (so under 105 lbs). I also want my whole body to be way more toned. I started a weight lifting program that is kicking my ass. I can barely walk today. Urg I hate when I start over analyzing everything that goes into trying to pick a goal weight. Thinking in circles like this can't be healthy.

I absolutely hate my inner thighs. I have toned rock hard outer thighs and my inner highs are like jell-o. Regardless of weight one of my biggest body goals is for my inner thighs not to touch when I stand with my feet together (most of you know what I mean). So if my thighs don't touch at 105 I might stay there if they still touch I'll go to 100 and if they still touch I'll go to 98-95 and if they still still touch I'll consider going to 90 if it is even within my power to control my weight at that point. For me it seems like the lower the weight the more the ana monster comes out of hiding. Keep in mind I am also exercising and weight lifting so that I'll tone my legs instead of just losing weight and being 'skinny fat'. I'm hoping this will give me better results in terms of body composition/appearance especially in my midsection and thighs/butt. But you can't 'spot reduce' fat so while doing thigh and ab exercises will help you build muscle in those locations, it will not help you to suck the fat out of a single spot. That is my reasoning for the continued weight loss if I don't get the results I want. There is no point in kicking my ass at the gym if I am going to let a layer of fat cover up all my hard work. 

I'm going crazy not weighing myself everyday. I'm not sure if I can deal with week off the scale. I am so used to hoping on every morning. It has become very ritualistic for me. Night night for now.