Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Can happiness last?

So I was having a pretty god awful day today. I've mentioned before that I've been very sick... well today was one of my brain and body just crashed through the floor. The illness I'm referring to has nothing to do with my eating habits so don't worry. I was basically just out of it and in pain all day long. You could have pushed me over with a stick. I'm still feel horrid right now but I do have a bit of good news. My belly looks so much flatter. I guess some of it has to do with the fact that my before pic was taken in the middle of a binge cycle (the morning after a binge). But I am just so glad to see some noticeable results. All the hideous bloaty puffiness is gone and for once I am a bit proud of my midsection. I am so proud of myself for being more active, eating reasonably, avoiding binging, and most of all losing weight! It is a hard battle but I feel myself getting back into the groove of things. (I was losing weight until Christmas and then I plateaued and eventually went on a binge fest). I have been battling with myself about my goal weight. If I get down to 100 pounds I think my family will freak. I do have my illness to blame but I was stupid in mentioning the fact I wanted to lose a couple pounds (my brother and sister overheard). If that knowledge ever becomes an issue I'll just tell my mom that I gained a couple pounds over the holiday and wanted to sweat it off (which is actually true... just not the whole truth). I eat way too much to currently be anorexic so that is a plus in terms of family issues. I'm toying with the idea of getting down to 105 as fast as I can and then going for slower weight loss so it seems less suspicious. Okay, that is stupid... my weight loss is going to be slow enough as it is. I think I'm going to do what feels right and continue to work out and restrict until I have a body I'm not ashamed of. I'm sure a lot of people in the world would want my stats: 5' 3" 110 lbs 24 inch waist 17% body fat 34" bust 35" hips (so kinda an hourglassish figure). It just doesn't look good on me. I still look fat because I have a baby face and even though my body fat percentage is 'athletic' or 'lean' I still feel like I have more squishiness than I would like. My ideal body fat is 14% or under and a bmi under 18.6 (so under 105 lbs). I also want my whole body to be way more toned. I started a weight lifting program that is kicking my ass. I can barely walk today. Urg I hate when I start over analyzing everything that goes into trying to pick a goal weight. Thinking in circles like this can't be healthy.

I absolutely hate my inner thighs. I have toned rock hard outer thighs and my inner highs are like jell-o. Regardless of weight one of my biggest body goals is for my inner thighs not to touch when I stand with my feet together (most of you know what I mean). So if my thighs don't touch at 105 I might stay there if they still touch I'll go to 100 and if they still touch I'll go to 98-95 and if they still still touch I'll consider going to 90 if it is even within my power to control my weight at that point. For me it seems like the lower the weight the more the ana monster comes out of hiding. Keep in mind I am also exercising and weight lifting so that I'll tone my legs instead of just losing weight and being 'skinny fat'. I'm hoping this will give me better results in terms of body composition/appearance especially in my midsection and thighs/butt. But you can't 'spot reduce' fat so while doing thigh and ab exercises will help you build muscle in those locations, it will not help you to suck the fat out of a single spot. That is my reasoning for the continued weight loss if I don't get the results I want. There is no point in kicking my ass at the gym if I am going to let a layer of fat cover up all my hard work. 

I'm going crazy not weighing myself everyday. I'm not sure if I can deal with week off the scale. I am so used to hoping on every morning. It has become very ritualistic for me. Night night for now. 

1 comment:

  1. I can't not weigh myself everyday, It the first thing I think about when I get up.

    And as for the stats! I would love an hour glass figure, I am five three too, but I don't have a waist, more an up and down : (