The sickness never ends...

I haven't been posting... I don't have much excuse. I've been pretty much bed ridden with pain and afraid to take my painkillers. The reason being, I see a pain medicine doctor this Friday who might drug test me. I'm going to tell him I WAS on pain medicine that I got from an ER visit but I recently ran out. I haven't run out yet but I desperately need a steady source of adequate pain relief. I'm not trying to trick the doctor into feeding some sort of drug habit or anything I just don't want to be hesitant to take my pain medicine when I'm in pain for fear I'll run out. I don't even know if he'll prescribe me narcotics but so far they have been the only thing that gives me relief. I'm so terribly nervous. I just don't want to have to wait in pain while they figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I drove 2 hours to see a specialist yesterday and I'm gonna have to drive back sometime during the first week of April for all sorts of testing. I'm praying praying praying that the tests give the doctors the answers they need to solve this. God, I am so close to ending it. I'm just too tired and run down to battle it any more. I've been in pain for a fucking year and a half and not once have I had adequate pain control. Maybe I should check myself into the hospital next time my pain is bad... I just don't know anymore. All my mental and physical reserves have been completely used up.