The sickness never ends...

I haven't been posting... I don't have much excuse. I've been pretty much bed ridden with pain and afraid to take my painkillers. The reason being, I see a pain medicine doctor this Friday who might drug test me. I'm going to tell him I WAS on pain medicine that I got from an ER visit but I recently ran out. I haven't run out yet but I desperately need a steady source of adequate pain relief. I'm not trying to trick the doctor into feeding some sort of drug habit or anything I just don't want to be hesitant to take my pain medicine when I'm in pain for fear I'll run out. I don't even know if he'll prescribe me narcotics but so far they have been the only thing that gives me relief. I'm so terribly nervous. I just don't want to have to wait in pain while they figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I drove 2 hours to see a specialist yesterday and I'm gonna have to drive back sometime during the first week of April for all sorts of testing. I'm praying praying praying that the tests give the doctors the answers they need to solve this. God, I am so close to ending it. I'm just too tired and run down to battle it any more. I've been in pain for a fucking year and a half and not once have I had adequate pain control. Maybe I should check myself into the hospital next time my pain is bad... I just don't know anymore. All my mental and physical reserves have been completely used up.

A stifled hurrah

I would be celebrating right now if my head didn't feel like it was splitting in two. I managed to burn off an estimated 350 calories on a 40 minute bike ride this morning. I would have gone longer but I had to get back home to get ready for my therapy appointment. While I'm on the topic of therapy I want to mention that my therapist keeps commenting on how thin I look and told me straight out that she is watching me o.o It isn't like I've lost any weight in the week in between our appointment. Actually, I would bet good money that I gained a pound or two from the horrible period of gluttony I suffered from ALL last week.

UPDATE: I had to stop writing because my boyfriend needed me and I ended up weighing myself even though I said I wouldn't... I'm too embarrassed to even admit the number. I just looked back on my calorie logs and there is no way on Earth I could have gained that much weight considering I only had two binge days. The number might be high because I didn't take my weight first thing in the morning like I normally do. Ugh I'm going to try not to focus on it and stick to being positive about how well I have done the past two days. Here was my list from yesterday:

1. do at least 30 mins of cardio (preferably 1+ hours) Check: 40 minute bike ride 

2. fix a healthy breakfast (no protein bars) Check: Apple for breakfast

3. no binging Check!

4. stay under 1000 calories Check: 480 calories so far and although I am going out to dinner I plan to keep it light.

5. do not step on the scale Fail: I'll try and be better about this tomorrow ): 

6. eat at least 80 grams of protein during the day Possible check: I've eaten approximately 50 grams of protein so far and if I order lean protein for dinner I should be able to make it to 80

7. be mindful of filler calories Check: So far I've only eaten nutritious foods 

8. stay hydrated Check: Drank lots of water and a diet snapple

9. take a multivitamin Check

10. take my medicines on time Check 

All in all it looks like I'm doing good. It is a huge improvement compared to how I started out this week. Now, the hard part will be keeping it up. 

Adderall and intake

I haven't been doing so hot and I am honestly too embarrassed to admit just how bad it has been. But I'm not posting to make myself feel guilty. I'm posting to keep myself positive and get back on track. I am making a promise to myself and anyone else who might be reading this that I will exercise tomorrow and get myself into a more regular exercising routine. I'm happy to announce that I now have a script for Adderall XR and I'm hoping it will help me in my weight loss efforts. It is known to decrease appetite and it will hopefully help keep me from binging. I'm feeling really tired so I'm gonna make a quick list of 'rules for success' that I'm going to stick to in order to make tomorrow a good day. 

1. do at least 30 mins of cardio (preferably 1+ hours)

2. fix a healthy breakfast (no protein bars)

3. no binging 

4. stay under 1000 calories 

5. do not step on the scale 

6. eat at least 80 grams of protein during the day

7. be mindful of filler calories 

8. stay hydrated

9. take a multivitamin 

10. take my medicines on time

That is all I can think of for now. I'm excited to make tomorrow successful and check off all the things on that list. Good night and good luck. 

22 Days left: Countdown to the end of the world

So I know it seems like I'm posting twice in one day but in reality I wrote today's earlier post last night. I didn't put it up till this morning because my boyfriend interrupted me. So here is the real Wednesday post:

There are 22 days left until my family goes on vacation... to the beach! I am not not not looking forward to it. I knew the date we were scheduled to leave awhile ago but it only just today registered with me that I only have 3 more weeks until I'll have to wear a bathing suit in public. I'm so scared. I love the beach but I hate bikinis and I seriously don't have enough time to get my body ready. If I lose 2 pounds a week for the next three weeks I will be 104 lbs by doomsday but it isn't just about how much I'll weigh. I'm more concerned with the fact I won't be able to build muscle or tone up by then. I feel like a sack of fat now (at 110 lbs) so what is going to keep me from feeling like a sack of fat when I'm down 6 pounds if I don't build any muscle. Why can't the trip be in June? Why do my thighs have to be so monstrously large? Why do I feel like my body looks the same at 110 as it did at my highest weight? Why do bikinis never flatter my figure? Why do I have to be going on the trip with two really athletic slim girls? I am having major anxiety over this. I didn't work out yesterday because of how sore I was from Monday's weightlifting and I don't think I'll be able to work out today because I can barely walk. Normally I would try and get some cardio in anyways but I have really hurt myself in the past from over training and I'm trying to avoid that. So I basically have barely worked out at all this week and I'm stressing over a frighteningly close bikini deadline. Anyone have any ideas on how I can ease my mind about the bathing suit situation? I seriously need to stop stressing. Acting like this is going to lead to a binge. I'm going to say goodbye for now and go try and think positive thoughts. I will be okay. Bikinis aren't the end of the world. I will find a bikini that makes me look thin. I will continue to lose weight until we leave. I will stick to my diet. I will be able to exercise tomorrow. I will have fun at the beach. I will not lose my mind.

Can happiness last?

So I was having a pretty god awful day today. I've mentioned before that I've been very sick... well today was one of my brain and body just crashed through the floor. The illness I'm referring to has nothing to do with my eating habits so don't worry. I was basically just out of it and in pain all day long. You could have pushed me over with a stick. I'm still feel horrid right now but I do have a bit of good news. My belly looks so much flatter. I guess some of it has to do with the fact that my before pic was taken in the middle of a binge cycle (the morning after a binge). But I am just so glad to see some noticeable results. All the hideous bloaty puffiness is gone and for once I am a bit proud of my midsection. I am so proud of myself for being more active, eating reasonably, avoiding binging, and most of all losing weight! It is a hard battle but I feel myself getting back into the groove of things. (I was losing weight until Christmas and then I plateaued and eventually went on a binge fest). I have been battling with myself about my goal weight. If I get down to 100 pounds I think my family will freak. I do have my illness to blame but I was stupid in mentioning the fact I wanted to lose a couple pounds (my brother and sister overheard). If that knowledge ever becomes an issue I'll just tell my mom that I gained a couple pounds over the holiday and wanted to sweat it off (which is actually true... just not the whole truth). I eat way too much to currently be anorexic so that is a plus in terms of family issues. I'm toying with the idea of getting down to 105 as fast as I can and then going for slower weight loss so it seems less suspicious. Okay, that is stupid... my weight loss is going to be slow enough as it is. I think I'm going to do what feels right and continue to work out and restrict until I have a body I'm not ashamed of. I'm sure a lot of people in the world would want my stats: 5' 3" 110 lbs 24 inch waist 17% body fat 34" bust 35" hips (so kinda an hourglassish figure). It just doesn't look good on me. I still look fat because I have a baby face and even though my body fat percentage is 'athletic' or 'lean' I still feel like I have more squishiness than I would like. My ideal body fat is 14% or under and a bmi under 18.6 (so under 105 lbs). I also want my whole body to be way more toned. I started a weight lifting program that is kicking my ass. I can barely walk today. Urg I hate when I start over analyzing everything that goes into trying to pick a goal weight. Thinking in circles like this can't be healthy.

I absolutely hate my inner thighs. I have toned rock hard outer thighs and my inner highs are like jell-o. Regardless of weight one of my biggest body goals is for my inner thighs not to touch when I stand with my feet together (most of you know what I mean). So if my thighs don't touch at 105 I might stay there if they still touch I'll go to 100 and if they still touch I'll go to 98-95 and if they still still touch I'll consider going to 90 if it is even within my power to control my weight at that point. For me it seems like the lower the weight the more the ana monster comes out of hiding. Keep in mind I am also exercising and weight lifting so that I'll tone my legs instead of just losing weight and being 'skinny fat'. I'm hoping this will give me better results in terms of body composition/appearance especially in my midsection and thighs/butt. But you can't 'spot reduce' fat so while doing thigh and ab exercises will help you build muscle in those locations, it will not help you to suck the fat out of a single spot. That is my reasoning for the continued weight loss if I don't get the results I want. There is no point in kicking my ass at the gym if I am going to let a layer of fat cover up all my hard work. 

I'm going crazy not weighing myself everyday. I'm not sure if I can deal with week off the scale. I am so used to hoping on every morning. It has become very ritualistic for me. Night night for now. 

Hallelujah!!

Stepped on the scale today and it read 110 lbs! The number shocked me so much that I weighed myself 3 more times and then I weighed a 25 lb weight to make sure it was accurate. I know the first thing you're thinking is it must be dehydration but I have been drinking a ton of water lately. I'm not so delusional that I think it is all fat loss. I realize that some of it is probably water since my period is slowly coming to an end and some of the weight could be from my bowels. But I honestly don't want to over analyze it. I've worked really hard this past week and it looks like it paid off big time. Plus, this is a huge milestone for me. I haven't been under 110 since I was 13 or 14? Lets just say it has been awhile. I'm sooo happy! I'm sooo happy! Next time I get on the scale it is gonna read 108 or lower (not planning on weighing myself until next week). The week after that it will read 106!!! Then 104!!! Then 102!!! Then 100! A little over a month until I reach my goal. Why did this never seem so obtainable before? All I have to do is stay on track and keep my eye on the prize. As long as I don't go on a binge fest I'll be golden. I just have to remember if I do have a bad eating day, it doesn't have to spiral out of control and ruin all my hard work. One bad day will not lead to another. Fucking up once doesn't mean I have to fuck up for life. I'm going to write a list of If I want blank food then I will have blank food as a substitute. They did a study and people who had written out a plan of how to deal with their cravings did way better than those who didn't.

1. If I am craving chocolate, I will have a fiber one chewy bar or a sugar free pudding
2 If I am craving cookies, I will have a vita top
3. If I am craving chips, I will have a 100 cal bag of popcorn or cucumber salad
4. If I am craving ice cream, I will have a popsicle or a frozen fat free yogurt or frozen grapes

I'm gonna try and think up more. I also posted this on PT so other people can be binge free :)

Day ?: Lost in time

First off I have decided to stop posting the day number because I forgot what day we are on. I haven't posted in a couple days. I've been god this week... no binges, moderate working out, etc. Taking in less than 1000 cals a day. I stepped on the scale but I don't want to report the number because 1. I am on my period and 2. It wasn't an accurate weight because I didn't take it first thing in the morning. I'm going to try and keep myself off the scale until my 'lady time' is over. My period was so late I didn't think I was going to get one at all. I've realized that I need to start working out more to burn off more calories. I am pretty sedentary otherwise and while I've been trying to move around more, pacing around the house is a bit suspicious. As long as I do some of my exercise in the morning before my boyfriend gets up I should be able to get away with doing more. Plus, this week I have been busy making a workout room so I can get more exercise done at the house. I think I am going to aim for an hour and a half a day of exercise split into either two 45 min sessions or three 30 minute sessions. I'm excited to get the new elliptical for the house. The new model is supposed to be way better than the old one (thank god). Either way I need to get more serious about calorie burning if I want to lose weight. It is pathetic how little the scale has shifted and I am starting to get disheartened. I'm trying to lose at a safe 2 lbs a week and even that seems impossible. Ugh what is wrong with me. I fail.

Day: 11 Tailspin my dears

I'm terribly anxious right now. I know I left you all last night on such a positive note but I got 0 sleep. I don't mean I tossed and turned. I mean I was up literally all night and still can't sleep now. I was in a lot of pain but my new med might have something to do with the new insomnia. I must call my doc about it. My anxiety was so bad that I called my therapists office and made an appointment for later this week. I haven't seen her in forever but I hope this will be a positive step for me. Ugh I don't get what is going on with me right now... I can't even sit here and type this. My mind is sort of playing tricks on me. Take care everyone. I'm gonna try and focus on relaxing.

Day 9-10: Ever shrinking me

Weight: 113.6

I did well over the weekend. I was even able to resist the evil temptation of girl scout cookies. Go me! Today my bodybugg is arriving and I am soooo excited. I'm not really looking forward to seeing how low my burn is going to be today though.... I am sooo sore I can barely walk. I'm gonna take a warm bath and see if that helps relax my muscles some. I ended up recruiting my little sister to start running with me. Although I am really physically fit, I have always been a terrible runner. So my sister and I are working up slowly to be able to run a 5K in under 30 mins. I'm really excited and I'm glad my sister wanted to be part of it. We don't get along but this could provide some much needed bonding time. I talked with her a lot over the weekend and I found out that my eating habits might have contributed to her eating problem as well. My family isn't aware of my eating disorder. When I was at my lowest weight they thought I was sick with something else...

Update: My bodybugg just arrived and I love it. However, it made me realize my diet might not be low cal enough. It takes a deficit of 1000 calories a day to lose 2 pounds a week. I thought I was working way harder than I really am. Regardless, I only ate 600 cals today so that isn't too shabby. I also had reason to celebrate because I might finally figure out the cause of all my medical mysteries. I haven't talked too much about my health issues but I am most likely suffering from a nervous system disorder. My doctors haven't been able to diagnosis me yet because research is somewhat new and I haven't had access to the right testing equipment. The good news is that a new program (one of 2 in the USA) just opened up sometime last year. It is only a few hours away vs cross country. I was about ready to go to the one across the country when I found out about the new location. My doctors didn't even know about the new location. I guess it's because what I have isn't exactly common. I'm excited and I'll be contacting the clinic in the morning. Hopefully, I'll finally get some help!!!

Day 8: Rejoice!

I stepped on the scale today and it read 114!

I'm so happy. I know I didn't lose 3 lbs of fat overnight (if only that were possible) but I'm glad to see the gain I showed near the end of the week was just because I was backed up. I've only lost a pound this week but I'll take that any day. Slow weight loss is better than no weight loss. If I only lost a pound a week from now on I would still reach my goal weight by summer and I am totally okay with that. I do want the pounds to drop faster and I think they will. It was hard to determine my starting weight for this week because of the huge binge I had come off of so I might have actually lost more than a pound. It is so weird how fickle the scales are. I definitely need to exercise today considering I took the past two days. I've already done 25 minutes of yoga but I hardly consider it exercise. I think I might try and go for a jog. I am a terrible runner so I'll run a minute walk a minute. It is pretty sad that I am that bad at it but it's the truth. Another possibility is roller blading. I need to work my legs more evenly and biking concentrates way to heavily on your quads. My room is super messy. I've been slowly trying to clean it but it is seriously a nightmare. I am way too lazy 99% of the time ):

Day 7: Getting away with murder

I'm not going to say too much because I don't want to jinx myself but I have something to be happy about. I actually have two things to be happy about. Tomorrow my boyfriend and I are going to whole foods to stock up on some health food and then going on a picnic together. So far the list of foods I want looks something like this:
-ceviche
-soup
-natural nut butters
-pumpkin seeds
-crystallized baby ginger
-lisanti almond cheese
+ whatever else looks nommy

In disappointing/confusing news there is something weird going on with me and my medicines. When I take a x pill in the morning I feel it's effectiveness but when I take x pill at night it has 0 effect. I know you all must be thinking it's because I'm building up some sort of tolerance but I honestly haven't been taking this medicine regularly so that can't be the cause. Regardless, I am going to try and lay off the pills for the next couple days and take only what I absolutely have to.

I'll update you more in the morning.

So it's morning... and I am freaking out. 100% freaking out. I weighed myself and dum dum dum dum 117 lbs. That would mean I have gained a pound a day (these last two days) on a 1000 calorie diet. I don't get it. I still haven't pooped but at this point relying on that for my weight gain would be fool hearty. I'm really disappointed in this week. I stuck to my plan (mostly). I did slip up one day but it could have been so much worse. I also exercised a good amount and ate really healthy foods. I don't feel like eating at all today. I don't feel like picnicking with my boyfriend or even getting out of bed. I really don't understand what is going on with my body. None of my meds are working and I'm a wreck. I'm going outside for a smoke which I hardly even do but I am so fucking stressed.

After smoking I changed clothes, washed my hands twice, brushed my teeth, put on perfume, reapplied deodorant, and put on coco butter lotion. I did all of this to mask the smell of the smoke so my boyfriend wouldn't figure out or get upset. His granddad died of a smoking related illness and it really upsets him when I smoke. I am not a smoker. That was my first cigarette in about 6 months. I just smoke sometimes when I'm stressed. It feel better for my health than binging. 1 cigarette vs a thousand+ calorie binge is hardly a contest.

So far all I've eaten today is an apple and some chicken broth putting my calories at 100. Not too shabby. I'm probably going to have some more broth later. I've never had it plain because it isn't something we usually have in the house but boy is it GOOD. If you haven't tried it you should reconsider.

My calorie intake today was really low until night time came around and I had a salt attack. I did manage to listen to my body today and my relationship with food was overall better than usual. I'm trying to see if the new pills work but I guess I'll have to assess this next week compared to last to get a better idea. So far they seem to curb my appetite. I have eaten 780 cals and I usually eat more around 1000. Only down side is that I think they are also giving me a headache. I'm going to lower my dose tomorrow to see if that helps with the side effects. Now it is time for me to act like a normal human and go hang out with my boyfriend.

Take care!

Day 6: Let's get loaded and forget the world

My mother is a doctor. I've been sick the past year and she has called me in pain medicine a few times. Tonight she is going to call in some more! Yes, I abuse them but I also have a legitimate need for them. My plan is get the script from her, use it to forge a script for provigil, and then fill them both. I'm not sure I'll have the balls to go through with it but it is an exciting notion. I'm surprised to see that I have one mystery follower. I'm paranoid enough to worry that it is someone I know in my daily life. Obviously that would be impossible. However, my imagination never seems to get tired of thinking up fantastical stories. I won't be working out today because of the pain I'm in. I'm going to try and keep my calories lower than usual. I caved and weighed myself today. It turns out I have gained a pound. I'm trying to convince myself that this is impossible. I'm trying to get myself to believe that the extra pound is only a result of my severe constipation -_- I've been taking extra laxatives and still no poop. It is a little worrisome but I'm used to this because my bowels haven't been working for some time. Don't worry I am seeing a doctor about it and he is the one who prescribed the daily laxatives. On a side note, I'm kinda tempted to drink today. I'm not old enough to purchase my own liquor in this great country and my boyfriend is a little less than 3 months away from being legal. I can't wait to get drunk with him. Vodka, rum, whiskey, tequila, and more! Anyways, since neither of us can legally get anything now I am reduced to stealing it from my mother. The only type of alcohol she keeps in the house is red wine which I loath. I am a little desperate though and might crack open a bottle soon. I know it has a terrible amount of calories but can't a girl live a little. I'm not going to drink today that is for sure (due to feeling so rotten physically). I'll update this post more later. I need to rest.

I'm back. First off, why the hell do all my pictures keep getting cut off. Am I the only one experiencing this? Secondly, my mom wrote the script and I forged another. I've decided that if I'm going to go through with it, I am going to have to bring each to different pharmacies. I'll bring the legit one to my regular pharm and the fake to one I never use. I'll deal with the fake tomorrow... that is if I have the balls. I could seriously go to jail for this or I might not get caught at all. The fake script should help suppress my appetite and right now I feel like it is worth the risk to be thin. UGGGGH this could drive my anxiety crazy. If I decide to do it, I am going to take a beta-blocker first to help with my anxiety. Right now I have nothing to worry about because I'm not going to try and get it tonight but ahhh I still worry.

Day: 5 tummy fat you have met your match

I'm worried I haven't lost any weight yet. I know I mentioned I had one binge day but that day I ate less than 1500 cals so I shouldn't have gained. I"m so anxious. I biked 1 hour and 40 mins burning an estimated 780 calories and I'm still not satisfied with myself. I won't be satisfied until I see the number on the scale dropping. I'll weigh myself tomorrow and pray that I've lost. One reason for stagnate weight loss is the fact that I am incredibly constipated. I took a laxative and it has failed to produce the desired effect. I'll take more tomorrow if I'm still backed up. Yesterday I talked about collecting thinspo of the abs I'm striving for. Today you get to see part of the collection. Ahhh when will I look the way I want? Will it ever happen for me? I feel so fat and blubbery. The calipers said I was 17% body fat and I will have to get down to 14% if I want a defined looking midsection. Obviously I am not trying to lose weight solely for a good looking tummy. However, this small goal helps me focus on the big picture. I used to be 76 freaking pounds. How did I let myself tip the scales so much in the other direction. Or more importantly why? It is a depressing thought. I am trying to stay positive but it's hard. I'm having a horrible time. I'm hoping the scales will read 113 tomorrow. I know I'm not restricting horribly but I have been exercising my butt off. Shouldn't that count for something? I know weight loss isn't overnight but does it have to be so painfully slow. Regardless of what tomorrow's weigh in might be I pledge to myself that I will stick to a good diet and exercise routine. If it takes me a year to lose 15 lbs then so be it. At least I got to my goal weight. If I let myself get hung up or off track, I will never get there. If I stay focused no matter how fast or slow the progress, I will reach my goal eventually. I must reach my goal. I must rid myself of this excess fat. I must stay on track. I must not give up. But oh please let the scales be motivating. Oh please oh please oh please please please!