Saturday, February 12, 2011

Day 1: Starving for a cure

I've gained 5 wretched pounds by binging until I was too bloated to move. I don't think I'll ever understand why I put myself through these sick cycles of starving and binging over and over. It is ingrained into me as though it were as natural a function as breathing. I wish I could make myself purge up all the calorie loaded foods I binge on. I've tried again and again but my gag reflex isn't strong enough to produce the desired result. Instead the excess fat and calories settles onto my face, inner thighs, and lower belly like a blubbery mask I can't shake off. I hate this new jiggle. My reflection is nothing like the person I feel like inside. I feel the skinny me trapped in a body too big. I hate this. So lets starve off this extra flesh in hopes I can finally feel like myself again. I know its a pipe dream but can't I have a little hope that one day I'll finally be thin enough. Anyone who is even slightly familiar with disordered eating knows it is never 'enough'. There is always another 10 lbs to lose. Always an ever shrinking goal weight. Even at my low of 76lbs I was still trying desperately to lose. I'm heading out for my bike ride now. Wish me luck. It feel like it will take a miracle for me to be thin again. 

So I'm back from my bike ride which I had to end early because of the weather. I'm a bit disappointed about that but there isn't much I can do. The gym closes early on Friday-Sunday. My goal is to burn off a pound of fat a week with exercise alone. This means I would have to burn an average of 514 calories a day (to get 3600 a week). I'm 264 calories short of that goal for today. It doesn't look like I'm off to a good start -_- I'll have to make it up tomorrow by burning a whooping 778 calories. I'll have to bike for an hour and a half if I want to reach that goal. Seems daunting considering I only did a third of that today. You have to work hard if you want results and I NEED results. 

Each day that I succeed I get one step closer to my goal!

This pic comes to illustrating my goals:

Daily stats-
Weight:115 lbs
Progress: 0 lbs
Calorie intake: 755 calories
Exercise: 7 mile bike ride (30 mins) 
Estimated calories burned: 250

1 comment:

  1. That before and after picture is amazing,
    I wish I was tall enough that when I weighed 104lbs I didn't look like a whale.
    and I understand with the gag reflex, mine isn't strong enough either, so I try and feel even worse that not only am I a failure and restriction and fasting, I am a failure at purging too...
    Good Luck